Agile Methodology SUCKS🙅

My reaction after I complete one sprint

If Agile was a guy. I would have kicked straight in his face, broken his spinal cord, plucked each of his teeth with hands... cut each of his fingers and toes like Akshay in "Holiday".Start punching his stomach till I can see his intestines coming out from his mouth. And then burnt him alive.

This thing is seriously made to torcher employees especially developers...and what the fucckkkk does a scrum master do man???please someone educate me...u useless creature even the people from HR do more work than u, some of the so-called masters don't even know to code and they set the timelines according to their shitty knowledge without even knowing the amount of work needed for the tasks.

If we say this can be completed in one day he assigns us 9 hrs time for that task.....abbe Tera baap ne Kam Kiya tha Pura 9 ghanta ak din meim b****#e.

Agile fucks the creativity of the employees by making them machines... since he has to do the specified task according to the user story created by a BUSINESS ANALYST(BA) in the stipulated amount of time.

He the BA changes designs and flows of functionality so frequently like uske baap ke Shaadi meim DJ wale Ko music change Karne Bol Raha Ho.

Who gives all this fuck all ideas to clients of changing the flows in the middle of the project... Honestly, people I am new to agile...for past 4 months I am into it ...is there anyone who likes this methodology?...other than ScrumMaster, product owner, business analyst, tester (they are all-together on some different level will explain some other time) and the fucking higher management of the company since all you care is revenue generated and you have no idea what the employees are going through.

When Tester asks me STATUS REPORT

These higher management people come randomly at any point in time and give a check on your project they don't give a fuck about you or the challenges you are facing... they just want to know if you had properly emailed everyone about your issues and informed your problems, so that they can do timepass with the clients and give reasons which are documented via emails.

They will shoot everyone while the guns are on your shoulders. EMAILS is the only thing they all care about. And one more thing that is DAILY STATUS REPORT.

ak status report client ko do, ak status report team lead ko do, ak status report scrum master do, ak status report tum saalo ke liye. Itne saare Status Report ka karte kya ho tum log? I guess G#**d meim dalte honge. nahi kya?.

CONCLUSION:

If I see the person who created the agile methodology I swear to God will put his head in a place where further onwards he will never have the issue of loose motion again and this task according to the user story created by Business analyst allocated by the scrum master I myself all alone will complete it in 2 seconds...and thus will be the fastest agile project completed.